MY TH0UGHTS

Rant. Update. Life. Rambling.

I’ve often wondered why I’m not like others.. I’m 21, but I don’t go out to the club or drink every weekend. I have never done drugs or smoked in my life. I strive to get good grades. I work more than I play. I know how to save money. I’m not at all trying to sound conceited, but every once in a while I think to myself why I am this way.. I still can’t put my finger on a reason, but I know I love my life and the way I live it. I know what my career goals are. I expect a lot out of people and it seems like the people I care about most just don’t try. If you’re given the opportunity to go to school to further your education, I feel you should do it. If someone is paying for you to go to college, do it. Don’t fail classes multiple times and waste their money. I think the main difference between me and my cousins my age is that they were always given everything they ever wanted. They had a silver spoon in their mouth. Yeah, I went to a private school. Yeah, I have my own car. Yeah, I have a lot of nice things. But all of these things that I have, I work for. I’m going to college to further my education to be something in this crazy world. I have my own car that yes, my mom paid for, but I if and when she needs me to do something I sure as hell make sure I do it. For them, they just come and go as they please. I have a lot of nice things… This one makes me the most angry.. I’m sitting here shaking my head because it just baffles me. Here it goes. Most people don’t know that I work 5 days a week. During breaks from school I work 7 days a week. Here, let’s break it down. For the first two weeks of Christmas break, I worked a total of 114 hours. Damn straight I’m gonna buy myself something nice for working so hard. For some they like to go out and party and get drunk. I like to buy myself nice things. Over the summer I was able to buy myself a gold Hawaiian bracelet and matching ring followed by a Louis Vuitton purse and matching wallet. Now, my cousins on the other hand… 1. Complain about working. (1 works for A+ at public elementary schools and the other works at a retail store). 2. Don’t know how to save money. 3. Spend money like it’s air. 4. Are ungrateful for what they have. I’ve heard “you’re such a lucky bitch you got the purse and wallet.” My response “I worked damn hard for this purse and wallet, it wasn’t just handed to me.” She then goes on to tell her mom that she wants the wallet if she gets straight A’s. I don’t think my aunty should have to buy her a LV wallet just cuz she got straight A’s. 

The mentality is so different and sometimes I forget when I talk to them. Yeah, some parties are fun to hear about. However, I don’t want to know how you drank so much that you blacked out and called in sick to work. 

Excuse me for saving and spending my money the way I want. 

END RANT. 

On another note though..

I’ve hit the very long plateau when it comes to losing weight. I’ve managed to lose 20 pounds, but I’ve got a long way to go. My trainer and I are doing this 17day diet to help cleanse our bodies and to get our bodies off the plateau. We’ll see how it goes. (:

I think the biggest thing about this blog is that I’m no longer sad for losing someone in my life. He made that choice and that’s fine. I’ve managed to regain happiness and I’m just loving life. I’m quite happy with what I have. I’m not looking for anything and just trying to focus on myself. As selfish as it sounds, I need it. For so long I worried about others and put myself on the back burner. So it’s my turn to do what I want, when I want, with who I want, spend what I want, save what I want, and buy what I want without feeling guilty. If you don’t like it, then leave. 

It may seem like I’ve left you behind, but in order for me to grow I need to move forward. I’m not willing to wait for people anymore. Like I said, I’m doing things my way. If you don’t like it, no one said you had to be here.

For all my real friends, I love you more than words could express. I wouldn’t have been able to come out of this RUT without you. Through all the tears, I’ve learned and become a much stronger person.

Thank you.

I’m Okay.

   Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and realize what you deserve.

I think I’m finally feeling better. I’m putting everything in the past &just moving on. I’m done putting the blame on him. I may not understand why all of this happened. I used to always ask WHY ME, but I’m done. I’ve realized that I have a lot to offer. I’m okay with being alone. Right now, I’m better off alone. I’m doing things for me and not having anyone to answer to. I’m LOVING life with the people who really do care about me. I’ve had a lot of people pouring love my way and I’m so thankful for all of it. I lost someone who I thought was my everything, but I’ve learned he turned into nothing. I gained someone I would call my best friend. So it’s true, you win some and lose some. I’m so thankful for this new best friend in my life. She’s managed to help me more than I could ever ask. I’ve done a lot of thinking and realized right now, it’s ME time. My whole life I’ve wanted to please everyone. Well, it’s time to be SELFISH for once in my life. So, I’m sorry if I just don’t give a shit about you and your life. I’m doing me and you do you. I’m happy with where I am in life and hopefully you make choices to let you be happy with yours.

I’ve got everything I want and need in life right now. I’m on the path to being HAPPY again. I want to be myself when I was a Junior in High School. I’m such a different person, it’s sad… But it can all change!

LiViNG&LEARNiNG.

L0VElL0VElL0VE

Best Friend.

071110;

Today was my mom and dad’s 16th wedding anniversary. I hope that one day I’ll be able to have a 16th wedding anniversary.
Work was good, had lots of laughs and talks with Jarnelle and Katie. (: After work Katie and I went to work out at 24s. Intense workout, haha. Ate dinner at Zippys and then home to shower and hop on this.

I wish I could sleep before 12am. UGH!

So yesterday was a great day. Let’s go back a couple more days.
So I had what I call a ‘weak moment.’ A moment where I wanted to contact him, just to see how he’s doing. Really though, I miss(ed) him. I talked myself out of it because no one was there for me at the time. I haven’t talked to him in 48days. I was doing so good and I was so proud of myself, but I let out a cry. I am the type of person who will hold it all in until I finally burst. I let it all bottle up and act like I’m strong, when really I’m crumbling inside. I feel so much better now and now that I had an amazing conversation with Lei, I’m feeling a billion times better.

Lei (my personal trainer) and I had a session on Saturday morning. Well, I told her Friday night that I really couldn’t wait to see her cuz I had a shitty day (refer to story above). She constantly makes me laugh, always makes me laugh, and whenever we’re together we both have smiles on our faces. Well, we got right into training and had an awesome session — she’s really starting to kick my ass, which is a good thing!! After our session we sat down to talk. Boy I did not see an hour long conversation coming.. We talked about our pasts and it’s so crazy how much we’re a like. We’ve been through some similar things. She’s so understanding and makes me feel so much better about my situation. I feel like someone finally understands me. I’ve established her as one of my best friends. I can count my best friends on one hand and as she said, “it’s not the quantity, but the quality of friends that you have.” When I told her she was one of my best friends she started to cry! Ah, I didn’t make her cry, but she said it meant a lot because she feels like she has no friends here. All of her best friends are on the mainland and don’t come here, so she’s stuck. She also said that the feelings are mutual and that she knows I’m a real person. Someone she can see being friends with forever! WOOT! (: I’m so thankful to have her in my life. We were both meant to meet each other at this point in our lives. I can’t wait till I’m legal and we can go get a drink! It’s on! HAHA. She’s so much fun and I’m glad she’s in my life. She makes my day every time I see her. Whenever I see her I’m happy — I could have had a shitty day, but she makes me happy. She’s amazing and if you need a personal trainer then let me know. She’s more than just a trainer, she’s a real person and such a great friend.

Anyway, I’m falling asleep. I’m hitting the gym in the am and pm tomorrow. Gym. Work. Gym. WOOT! That’s how! (:

Goodnight.

BiG LOVE.

31l51

Tired.

070610;

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. I have not had the energy to do this when I come home after 11 hours of work.. In the last 3 days I have worked 31 hours. I’m so beat and tired it’s not  even funny. My mom’s new store is finally up and running. We have so much to do still, but we’re open to the public. It’s been a great change, but so exhausting.

I have no doubt, the best personal trainer in the world. I am so thankful to have her here with me. I have set a goal and she’s going to help me achieve it. She is currently trying to get her back healed. She hurt it and is unable to train right now. I’ve become such good friends with her that I care about her back and getting better. She pushes herself so hard that I was so afraid she’d get more hurt. So I finally told her that if I saw her at the gym yesterday that I would be forced to stop training with her and that I was not kidding. Working out with her is so much fun. We’re constantly crackin’ jokes and just having fun. She counts supah slow and makes me so angry, but at the same time it’s funny and we can’t help but laugh. People always stare at us cuz we’re always laughing. Oh well, we havin’ fun! (: Just hoping she gets better soon. I miss her and can’t wait to get working on this goal.

I’m going to bed now. I have a massive headache and I’m exhausted.
Goodnight.

BiG LOVE.

26l45

Shorter.

062810;

Shorter post.
Work.
Gym.
Sleep.
It’s all I do.
Goodnight.

BiG LOVE.

18l37

Short.

062710;

Short post.
Sleep.
Ala Moana with mom. Finally saw Naomi, my love at VS.
Home for a bit.
Talked to Mama Tina only to find out things for her have been rocky.. Miss her, she’s amazing and ever since the break up I don’t see her at all. ): UGH! Had a great talk with her..
Kaylee’s first birthday.
Home and watched the BET Awards.
Shower.
Sleep, now.
Goodnight.

BiG LOVE.

17l36

Irritated.

062610;

Worked yet again today. Worked out after I got home from work. Now I’m home and ready for bed. Gonna read a little and then watch something to fall asleep. Tomorrow is another day. It’s so funny. Just cuz he’s your ‘boy’ and he broke my heart doesn’t mean we can’t talk JUST AS FRIENDS. It’s funny that you delete my comment off your Facebook. Really? How immature. So fcken dumb, I don’t have time for dumb people, forreal. Get the fck out. I’m really cleaning my life of dumbasses and bitches. I don’t need any of them. Going to bed irritated means I’ll wake up irritated. How lovely.
Goodnight.

BiG LOVE.

16l35

Two Goals.

062510;

That’s what I’m afraid of… not being enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough.

I wasn’t enough for you, but I sure as hell am enough for someone out there. Yeah, I’m not good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough, but I know for a damn fact that I could love you more than any other girl who is enough, smart and pretty.

I’ve set my mind to two goals. Two goals that I’m keeping to myself. No one needs to know them, they’re for my personal accomplishment.

Training today was SO GOOD! I had a blast with my trainer, Lei. She is amazing and I always have a great time with her. Laughs and crackin’ jokes all the time. Working out with her makes me feel good. She knows what she’s doing and we have fun at the same time. She hurt her back, so she was just talking while I was doing it, but it was still funny. Laughing at people and shit. I’m back on the gym grind. FORREAL! Hahaha. Anyway. off to bed. Gym early in the morning and then off to another day of work. I swear I work more than I sleep. (;

BiG LOVE.

15l34

“If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man

I’d listen to her
‘Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
‘Cause he’s taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say it’s just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
And you don’t understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
‘Cause you’re taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you’re just a boy”

- ‘If I Were A Boy’ - Beyonce

I Pray to God.

062410;

I was just reading quotes. I pray to God this doesn’t apply to us…

Sometimes you have to LET GO of the one you love, just to see if they love you enough to come back.

I really hope that this isn’t the case. Now I’m starting to rethink this whole thing… Why would you let go of someone you already know loves you? I didn’t give you a single reason to even wonder if I love you enough. You should know from all that I’ve done and was willing to do that I ‘love’ you. It was two and half months. You can’t just cut the cord like that… I just don’t know anymore. Maybe I’m just feeling weak right now, who knows?! UGH!

On another note, I am yet again EXHAUSTED from work. Lovely! Going to bed. Goodnight.

BiG LOVE.

15l34

I don’t want to be sad anymore, so, I’ll just start expecting the lowest of the people I thought the highest of.

It’s Alright, It’s Okay.

062310;

Work was brutal today. Definitely a work out. Got a lot done though.. Everything is coming together and the store is lookin’ great! I love my coworkers. We may have our disagreements and stuff, but who doesn’t?! We always crackin’ jokes and chillin’ just having a good time. (: My training session got canceled again because my trainer’s back has been bothering her so she finally went to the doctor and was told to go home and not return to work. It’s all good though, I would have died. HAHA, oh well. I get to see her on Friday and I swear, it’s been a minute since I’ve seen her. BLAH! Not good!

Need to work on the website again and remaking to brochure because the one we have now is hella ugly. HAHA, oops! Oh well. So I have a lot of work cut out for me. Not cool!

I still wanna go to the 50th state fair. WTF, it’s almost over. I think this weekend is the last weekend! NOOOOOOO! Shows how much time I have to have a social life. Blah. Okay, well, let me admit it. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and not have a social life. It will only make me think of the past and stuff, so I’ve been closing myself off to a lot of people. I don’t post on FB or Twitter anymore. If I do post on Twitter, it’s little quotes or something. Nothing of my personal life.. I’m not sure why I’m feeling like this, but I don’t want other people to know how I’m doing. I guess part of it is that “our” friends are still my friends on FB and I don’t want them to say things to him like “oh, she’s still sad” and that kind of BS. So I just don’t post. (; It’s a win win situation! HAHA.

Anyway, going to lay down and just try to relax before another long day..

BiG LOVE.

14l33

“No looking back
I wont regret, no
I will find my way
I’m broken
But still I have to say

It’s Alright, it’s OK
I’m so much better without you
I won’t be sorry
It’s Alright, it’s OK
So don’t you bother what I do
No matter what you say
I wont return
Our bridge has burned down
I’m stronger now
It’s Alright, it’s OK
I’m so much better without you
I won’t be sorry.”

- ‘It’s Alright, It’s Okay’ - Ashley Tisdale